Confessions of a Liberal Puritan

Having only watched the latest episode of "Angel" (5.04) twice, my memory is a little foggy, but I remember Angel saying this line, or something quite like it, in response to Spike's query about why, if he and Angel are both damned anyway and can never truly atone for all the lives they've destroyed, they should still try to help people, still fight the good fight. As credos go, "What else are we gonna do?" is hardly the ringing affirmation of purpose that we got in episode 4.01 last year, when Angel made his speech to Connor about the role of champions: "Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It’s harsh, and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: Champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done, or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be." Now, Angel tells us, he hates even the word "champion" (at least when it's used to describe Spike and himself in the same breath), and the faith he'd managed to keep even after 3 months of starving on the ocean floor has apparently been beaten out of him by all the losses of season 4 -- including even the loss of company in his misery and grief, since no one else retains any memory of Connor's existence, and therefore, presumably, of Jasmine or any of the joys and sorrows Angel experienced as a parent. As a father to Connor, Angel could rouse himself to a passionate defense of the need to fight the good fight and set a better example to the world. But as a grand-"sire" to Spike, all he can come up with is resignation and barely restrained despair. Hopefully, the rest of season 5 of "Angel" will see Angel gradually brought out of the valley of the shadow of death and be able to find some meaning in his existence once more. ( Read more... )

Right now, this week or this month, I may not be at the level of faith represented by "we live as though the world were as it should be to show it what it can be" -- but I trust I will be again, someday. And in the meantime, I can hold onto something as simple as "it is good for me to be here" (a slight variation on Spike's "I deserve to go to Hell -- but not today!" perhaps? Or just an echo of Peter's ill-considered words to Jesus on the Mount of Transfiguration, "Master, it is good for us to be here"?), or even "What else are we gonna do?" Whether or not I feel that what I do is effective most of the time, or successful, or as brilliant as I think I'm supposed to be (or at least better than everybody else in the department from which I hope to receive my degree), what else am I gonna do? I may not be earning any brownie points with God (like Spike and Angel, I have to count on grace and mercy, in that department) or with my dissertation committee, but as long as I exist I have a road to follow, something that I do because I CAN and too many other people can't. I don't feel like a champion, but I might just be able to face the prospect of being a role model, or just the missing piece in somebody else's jigsaw puzzle, now and then.

I have more to say on the subject of emptiness and purpose and Lois McMaster Bujold's PALADIN OF SOULS and its relation to the Buffyverse, etc., but it's way past my bedtime. More later.