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revdorothyl at 05:02pm on 04/02/2004
revdorothyl at 05:02pm on 04/02/2004Last night was one of my "wakeful" nights -- one of those nights when no matter what time I go to bed, I can't seem to go to sleep for panicking and obsessing about all the stuff I finally have the time and lack of distraction to notice.
It feels like waking up (even though I haven't been to sleep yet) to some frightening, awful reality that I'd been trying to hide from by pretending to be unconscious 24 hours a day. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard and so fast that I can feel the vibrations trying to break through my rib-cage. I'm overwhelmed by an awareness of the wastefulness and uselessness of my life, and hope for change isn't even an option.
All I can do is lie there like a deer in somebody's headlights, waiting for the doom which I know is speeding down upon me, the day when everybody finally discovers what a useless do-nothing incompetent I am and blames me for wasting everybody's time by making them think they could count on me, trust me to make good and pull my own weight in this world.
Usually, the only way I can get the pounding in my chest and the feelings of terror and despair to recede a bit is to distract myself with reading a novel or watching TV. That pushes it all back to the edges of my awareness for a while, so that I can eventually get to sleep for a little while and wake up to a world in which my awareness is once again hazy enough to allow me to tolerate myself and ignore all the unfinished crap which has piled up all around me (physically, mentally, and emotionally).
It just sucks like a Hoover to have to get through a night like that, and to know that THAT's what my life really looks like when I'm not working overtime to anesthetize myself into ignoring all the piles of crap and to present a false picture of marginal competence to the world at large.
Hopefully, tonight's new "Angel" will provide me with sufficient distraction to keep me from looking too closely at my own life for a few days. And hopefully, my next journal update will be something a little more useful and worth reading. Apologies for letting my piles of crap spill all over this entry.
It feels like waking up (even though I haven't been to sleep yet) to some frightening, awful reality that I'd been trying to hide from by pretending to be unconscious 24 hours a day. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard and so fast that I can feel the vibrations trying to break through my rib-cage. I'm overwhelmed by an awareness of the wastefulness and uselessness of my life, and hope for change isn't even an option.
All I can do is lie there like a deer in somebody's headlights, waiting for the doom which I know is speeding down upon me, the day when everybody finally discovers what a useless do-nothing incompetent I am and blames me for wasting everybody's time by making them think they could count on me, trust me to make good and pull my own weight in this world.
Usually, the only way I can get the pounding in my chest and the feelings of terror and despair to recede a bit is to distract myself with reading a novel or watching TV. That pushes it all back to the edges of my awareness for a while, so that I can eventually get to sleep for a little while and wake up to a world in which my awareness is once again hazy enough to allow me to tolerate myself and ignore all the unfinished crap which has piled up all around me (physically, mentally, and emotionally).
It just sucks like a Hoover to have to get through a night like that, and to know that THAT's what my life really looks like when I'm not working overtime to anesthetize myself into ignoring all the piles of crap and to present a false picture of marginal competence to the world at large.
Hopefully, tonight's new "Angel" will provide me with sufficient distraction to keep me from looking too closely at my own life for a few days. And hopefully, my next journal update will be something a little more useful and worth reading. Apologies for letting my piles of crap spill all over this entry.
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