Confessions of a Liberal Puritan

I passed the Chair of the Anthropology department in the halls this afternoon, and he hailed me with, "The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la!" (which is not as strange as it sounds -- he's an ardent fan of Gilbert & Sullivan, and ever since he found out I'm one too, he's taken to greeting me with lyrics from "The Mikado," or "Pirates of Penzance," etc.). Unfortunately, the dear professor didn't get the delighted response he was expecting, this time around, since I've managed to combine a cold with my spring allergies, on top of my vitamin D/calcium deficiency worries. Thus, the only thing that came into my mind was to immediately come back with, "Make my nose run like anyTHING, tra-la!"--which doesn't quite scan, but it wasn't like I had time to edit or count syllables in my head.

So, to make up for that awful rhyme, here's my attempt to do better, in memory of dear old G&S.

THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN THE SPRING (Allergy-Sufferers' Version)

The flowers that bloom in the Spring (tra-la!)
Make blotches all over my face.
While others are having a fling (tra-la!),
I'm caught with my butt in a sling (tra-la!),
And used kleenex all over my place,
And used kleenex all over my place!
So, that's what I mean when I say or I sing,
'Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the Spring!'
Tra-la-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la-la,
Bother the flowers in Spring!

The flowers that bloom in the Spring (tra-la!)
Have me spitting green phlegm when I cough.
My eyes only water and sting (tra-la!)
So I can't see the beauty they bring (tra-la),
And I snort like a pig in a trough,
And I snort like a pig in a trough.
So, that's what I mean when I say or I sing,
'A pox on the flowers that bloom in the Spring!'
Tra-la-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la-la,
A pox on the flowers in Spring!

I don't expect a light opera company to perform my version anytime soon, but there it is. And I feel slightly better for having gotten that 'off my chest', as it were. Now, if only I could do the same thing with all this phlegm!